Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Apologies to the One Person Fooled

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to the one person who was fooled by my assertion yesterday that I had completed a 5K in 28:13, when previously my best time was approximately 48:00. I'm not going to name this person -- she knows who she is -- but I will say that I fear for the future of crime-fighting in this country, when an expert criminal behaviorist with the FBI is so easily bamboozled. Here are some of the clues that should have tipped her off:

1. "...this morning..." -- I do not run in the morning. I may intend to. I may SWEAR TO GOD I'm going to get out from under the warm, cozy covers and fling my ass onto the streets below to run around like a little gerbil. But despite my best intentions, it is physically impossible for me to drag myself out of bed. Someone else might be able to -- in high school, my dad would resort to throwing water on me -- but it is physically impossible for a sleeping Matt to throw water on himself.

2. "...drove to the Washington Monument..." -- Even if, by some miracle, I managed to get up early to run, there is no possible way I could ever force myself to drive five miles away in order to run. Why? Just because it's flatter there? Because I want to "simulate race day"? Come on. Again, I may have grand designs, but in reality, I'm just going to run around the block.

3. " of any GPS technology..." -- I cannot doff my gadgetry that easily. I paid good money for the straps and cables and global positioning technology and the computer to link it all up to afterward and analyze my data to be able to determine with absolute precision whether I am running at the speed of a turnip or a kumquat. (There's a big difference.) I might forgo it for a brief jaunt around the block, but if I actually wanted to simulate race day, I'd definitely bring my gear.

EDIT: 4. "April 1..." -- The post was made on April Fool's Day. Everything should be taken with a giant grain of salt on April Fool's Day!

So, She Who Shall Not Be Named, I apologize for "fooling" you, but I am concerned that you were able to be fooled so easily. I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just you are responsible for solving crimes.

I kid, I kid! I'm sure you're a great crime fighter. Just remember, you're supposed to hold the skinny side of the magnifying glass.

In other news, that healthy chicken and veggies dish I made the other day? It remains just as delicious using different brands of chicken and steamed veggies. I had it again tonight with a bit of whole grain rice and it was absolutely delicious. It was actually better than my General Tso's chinese combo that I am in love with, except in a different way. It was delicious in a tasty, wholesome way. I did not feel all weighted down and disgusted by all the deep fryer oil. Blech. It turns out, Fresh is Good!


  1. I've been reading your blog and it's great to see that anyone can set a goal to start running. You have a great sense of humor in your posts. Oh and I laughed at the April 1st post - especially when I saw there was one comment.

  2. Thank you Anonymous! I appreciate your kind words and I'm glad someone other than me thinks I'm funny.

    Tell your friends :-)