Well played, Mr. Noodle. You have my attention.
Wary, I clicked my way onto the site, where I was greeted with the intriguing slogan, "Imagine a World Where the Noodles Are Calorie Free"; a news report extolling their noodly virtue; a gazillion testimonials praising the Japanese for having the sense to create a zero-calorie noodle out of fibrous plant material; and a money-back guarantee offering to refund all of my hard earned dollars if I did not absolutely love the noodles.
Well, you know what?
I absolutely love the noodles. They're made of a water-soluble plant fiber that simply passes through your body. It has no taste of its own, but rather absorbs whatever sauce you put it in. I ordered the 20-pack of angel hair noodles and I'm already planning my next order. They are very easy to make -- all you have to do is rinse them in hot water for a few minutes and then dry them with paper towels. You then throw it into the sauce and food, and voila!
I have been waiting for something like this MY WHOLE LIFE. You see, fitness and nutrition experts have long known that most people eat the same dozen or so foods regularly. This definitely applies to me -- for years, my diet has consisted of cream-laden coffee for breakfast, tuna and turkey sandwiches for lunch, chicken and rice at night, and the once or twice weekly consumption off an entire "Meat Lovers" pizza or a General Tso's chicken combo with dumplings.
It was quite literally a recipe for disaster.
Some of those meals were fine -- there is nothing wrong with tuna or turkey on whole wheat. But there is something wrong with consuming large quantities of starchy rice at the end of the day.
Indeed, for the past several years, at dinner, I generally have eaten chicken with a packet of Uncle Ben's microwavable 90-second rice. It makes for a filling and tasty dinner, but it's about 500 calories of rice. In other words, it adds up. I have no doubt it has contributed to my half-pound-a-month weight creep over the last several years.
But I can't just eat chicken plain, or with vegetables and nothing else, like some cow or vegan or something equally weird and unnatural.
That's why these Miracle Noodles are indeed so miraculous! For the last couple of nights, I have used this as bedding for my chicken, and I am extremely pleased to report that it makes the meal no less delicious, and get this -- it keeps me full for hours! They taste kind of like rice noodles, except just a bit chewier. I have already lost weight!
Part of me is still suspicious -- how can anything this good have NO calories? Even celery has calories! In recent days my mind has wandered back to the Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine found a "fat free" frozen yogurt shop that tasted delicious but was too good to be true. My friends, these noodles are equally too good to be true -- and yet they ARE true!
In other words, I was touched by His Noodly Appendage and I can never go back. BUY THESE DIVINE NOODLES TODAY!